Held this idea in my mind for years but did not have the means to make it come to life. I have been working in my lab for months and I start to feel the strain of this reclusion on my spirit, my and my body.
Yet, I feel stronger than ever before.
I started by building the skeleton in the heart of wintertime.
Bone by bone.
I should have finished soon because I already have glimpse of flesh in my day dreams and nightmares. I can´t wait for that, can´t wait to see if this multi-pieced body will shine with harmony and if it will inspire pity and distrust. But what I fear the most and what has been sucking energy out of my brain like a parasite is the absolute despair that I will face if my Creature will have no soul.
I gave "it" a name : The Vertical Theory. It is an old one and is not definitive but this will be the name of the skeleton.
I gave myself two objectives :
finish the skeleton before the end of the summer.
finish the flesh before the end of the winter.
The autumn is going to be the moment of transition, the place where waters come together.
Yesterday, I did progress well, adding an important join to the legs : an unknown man is horse-riding to the group, event that insufflates fear and panic in the group and that will ultimately set thing in motion again.
I got in the evening, striking shocks as clear as melted ice. The last image that came to me was the mother and her baby in the shelter cave drinking dripping water while waiting for the air outside to clear.
I have placed an important piece of the structure yesterday; Realizing hours latter how of a central and strategic position it was situated. From now on, the story is going to bend, things that were still should go into motion, things that were being built in the shadows should come to light and the daemons that hide underwater will tear up the surface.Yes, I did have a central piece and this is one more step forward to the end.
From the horizon, a man is horse riding toward them. This event is frightening because of its lack of explanation and reason. Two sub-groups are created : the one that want to talk to this stranger and other that want to reject him for he is, to them, death. Ultimately, he will be the grain of sand that will disturb and breaks hell loose. He is now making he first steps towards them with a way out to freedom and life.
My work has been drastically slowing down until I realized that at this stage of the conception, the distance between the join should be increased
. That make perfect sens, longer bone for the lower part of the body, with a reduction of the size towards the end. I am entering a new area of the story. It is a valuable assets to get this precept.
I have also now a clear map of the geography :
Yestarday, a friend of mine send me a warning : "beware of the villagers with their nasty forks and shovels
". I did follow her advice and when night fell down, I put all lights to death, double check the locks and stayed home, working far into the night with only one candle. I could not go to sleep since, that day, was an extremely creative one. Major ideas took shapes in my thoughts and where cascading in my mind for many hours. The strength of the process, the load of the work created high tensions in my body and I force myself into rest today so as to be be more efficient tomorrow. Before laying down, I ventured outside and did not see anything abnormal, seems like nobody was around during the night. I met with the priest and did not feel any tension in him.
I think I am safe to keep on...
I had to take time to distance myself for the Work
and get an overview of the general structure of the body. With some heigth, I have noticed some imperfections and am left with no choice but to correct them without damaging anything. Though time is running fast, I have to take my time because if imperfections of the flesh can contribute to the harmony and beauty of the whole, the structure can not have any flaws that could undermine all the efforts that I undertook in the past. Because I suddenly realized that once the period over, I will not be able to turn back, I have decided to run a check all joins of the story, and well as on the skull and support bones. I have identified the zones of problems :
- the several branches of the story have to be consolidated.
- the spine that carries the whole is strong, that I am sure but I have to test it flexibility.
- I have to prepare for the emotional bounds that it should be able to form with the audience.
With the first period coming to an end, new doubts arise, but I have to trust what has been built and start from there.
I will move my lab to a new location both to avoid any risk of intrusion and to get a bigger space for the next step of the process.
The tempo of the
work is getting one step higher for reasons I don´t control anymore. I have surrendered myself to that and signs tell me that it is the right thing to do. I see pieces of the puzzle settling in place, one by one, without my intervention while others are being created in the shadows without my direct knowledge. My mind is running though my spirit is still and I often have to keep my hands and my eyes under my control. Sleep comes after a long time since my mind is so long to slow down ... and diving outside into the autumns breath is such a beautiful drug that will keep me going.
I lost friends those last months and I suspect that I am much absorbed by this journey. There is no compromises possible, no other way that I can think of. ´It´ is slowly getting towards life and calls upon my concentration, my powers and strengths....rejecting and building isolation upon me.
My spirit has been changing for days in ways that I could nor understand nor forecast. This inability to understand what was happening in my inner self has had impact on my sleep and on my capacity to focus on work. I have not yet completed the skeleton and time is running, pressuring my efforts a little more.
What is happening I guess, is that my work keeps on extending its influence over me. I have to reach further and further each day for air. I must to go out of my lab and take long walks, I have to run myself to exhaustion so I can get some moments of peace that would offer me access to clarity and inspiration.
Yesterday, I became to understand that I was just living the experience with the characters and that WE had to get out of the trap. This is the price for my spirit to find equilibrium again.
This can only be achieved by diving deeper into the universe.
Those have been difficult days. I have be assaulted with thousand of doubts that exhausted me. I hope that it is over by now. I am starting on the new stage of my writing : the flesh of the story. No question. I am anxious. My options are getting less and less in numbers. I hope this is for the best.
Some elements of details that I added have disturbed the whole story. Thought the skeleton remains, while adding the first layer of muscles, I add to polish and add some new features and articulations. As everthing in the universe is linked, every single atom of the creature is inter-dependant. This insertion and tuning have impacted on the general structure.
Great progress in the fields of ligatures. I can now see clearly and for the first time, the appearance of the creature. I can feel it´s components bursting with life and there hearts beating in my ears days and nights. Soon I will finish the main junctions between the bone and the main muscles.
I had another attack of doubts but I am out of it now. The snow is starting to fall, the days a shortening fast and the temperature is dropping. The coming of the winter, I would have never expected it, gives me strength and inspiration. I go for long walks in the winds under the cold light of the pale moon. I mostly work in the early mornings now. The level of concentration that I need can only be achieved when my mind is clear after a dreamless night.
Spend time and energy to test and search for the tool set that was needed for the work, did not find anything. Decided to build the tools.
Nights and days of research and work. I am still tuning the tools but I have started to use them so the work does not remain still.
Started new phase. Getting into details. This gives me much energy since I was waiting for this moment for such a long time, for so many nights.
Using Latex for the writing and feeling comfortable with it.
Night. The face of a 30 years old woman named Ines. Her clear skin is whitened by the silver light of a fool moon.
Rapid Eyes Movements under her eyelids : she is dreaming. White Clouds are irregularly flowing out of her mouth, it is cold.
Her eyes slowly open up but she is not leaving her dream.
Sounds of breathing around her, sounds of a baby.
She is looking through the windows of an old Russian mini-bus. Through the thin layer of ice covering the inside of the window, she can see the blurred figure of the moon.
The mini-bus is in the middle of the desert, the sky is clear and full of stars, everything's still.
Pure blue sky. Golden sun raising in front of the moon. Automn lights.
Ines opens her eyes and slowly feels the world opening up to her : the light, the sand and the voice of Remy, a 50 years old man of European origins and his hand that is gently shaking her shoulder.
The spring is slowly opening his arms to us. There has been lot of difficulties and I have not been able to keep on the progression of my work. I had to halt for doubts were troubling my mind. They are still there, I can feel it, and they could push me to madness if i was not strengthening my body constantly. This is of such importance for those thoughts are trying to crush me. They grow on the fertile soil of the creature´s spirit that is already alive in me. Sometimes in the day, I switch off. I stare the emptiness and the silence in all around, all inside. Do I move in those instants, do I work or eat or sleep. I don´t know. I am planning to set a camera and record myself to see what is really happening.
One thing appears so clear to me now : I have to finish or the creature spirit will keep on inhabiting me and in the long run will ultimately destroy me and fill me.